ahhh blog. It's been so long.
My dad and I started season 7 of The Waltons tonight, straight from 1978. This is the first episode after the Grandpa died, and they're all still missing him very noticeably. John (the father figure) is tired of being poor, gets the opportunity to be the VP for a BigCorp, but decides to head up a more local lumber co-op instead. The episode ends when they're up on the mountain remembering Grandpa on his birthday.
It was nostalgic I think. Sometimes I just get those nostalgic feelings I guess. Tonight's feeling wasn't the strongest ever, but it was something. My dad & I caught a bit of train watching tonight, we drove over the new 33rd Ave viaduct, we watched this Walton's episode, and then on the way home I saw an old-style "boxy" GACX covered hopper (train car, for those who didn't follow). I know, only in my brain would those form a coherent thought.
I had one of those momentary musings as I walked up the hill to my dad's garage -- maybe this place where I grew up is a little like Walton's mountain for me -- not so much the land itself, but the memories it brings to mind.
So that's nostalgia, and that's tonight. But I haven't updated my blog in a month or so. September I was on work travel for a couple weeks, and it was a great work experience, and productive and fun to hang out with the coworkers. When I got home, I had the feeling again that I was somehow distracted in life, from the path and mindset I should be on and in. I think that feeling is sort of waning now, but it's still there for me to ponder a little.
In related news of my brain, it seems like more and more I see the world (the world close around me and my friends) as being full of messy and less-than-ideal situations. The world is busy, and people get distracted, and people get stupid, and people do dumb things and hurt each other. Maybe part of my distraction has been a preoccupation with this. I realize that when I go off and have a Thomas Merton moment, I am in a sense fleeing the chaos of the world. I don't think I'm fleeing from the world or the people in it, but I am saying (to myself at least) -- the world need not be as complicated as we all make it out to be. Is that true? Is the world messed up because we all play the role, and if we all chose to not let it be complicated then it would resolve many many of our issues? Or is the world just complicated and we have to accept it? I know the theological underpinnings of the messed-up-ness of the world, but I'm talking practically here. (One other thing that I notice is that those who we think are theologically in tune have lives that are just as messed up -- this is something I notice more and more.)
Another thing: someone gave me a statement almost in passing that I take on the traits of immaturity when I'm in situations where that immaturity surrounds me. Interesting! I'm actually glad that someone was honest with me -- it's hard to know what people really think because who is actually honest? But it also got me to thinking. Where are the marks of immaturity in my life? I haven't figured out discipline (self or otherwise) yet. I don't always present my ideas in a marketable fashion. I get distracted in mind and in action. I drift away to the 'shiny ideas' that sparkle but may not really be anything more than a drop in the bucket. I look to my own interests. I talk about stupid stuff too much sometimes. I could go on. And here I sit (now and in the past), writing words and thinking or wishing they were 'sage' and wise. Here I sit on the pedestal of my life trying to figure out what goes on in the world and trying to figure out if that's aka being judgmental.
So anyway, I don't want to be immature, I don't want to be seen as immature, and I don't really want to associate with immaturity more than I have to. I want real-life conversation and real-life life, and while I don't mind getting into the mess of life, I'd like to do that in the midst of maturity and not...whatever the alternative is. God help me to adjust the balance to be patient and effective but not a distractable pushover.
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